Torn Between Two Worlds, Part 2 - Loss and Divorce

At my first job out of college, I met a gentleman, we fell in love, got married, and were blessed with two children. Unfortunately, had four pregnancies and we lost two children through miscarriage.

Miscarriage, though often shrouded in silence and stigma, affects countless women and families, leaving deep scars that may seem impossible to heal. As a Christian woman, I was not immune to this pain, but I do have the blessed assurance of a loving God who weeps with me and offers comfort in my darkest moments.

Miscarriage is a painful and often unexpected loss that left me feeling isolated and uncertain. The excitement and anticipation of welcoming a new life was suddenly replaced with grief, guilt, and unanswered questions.

The first miscarriage was within the first trimester of the pregnancy. The second miscarriage was within the second trimester and therefore made the process even more difficult as I had to undergo a D&C procedure.

Although I knew the baby was not alive due to not having a heartbeat, going through this procedure left me feeling like I had an abortion. The emotional turmoil was more than I could bear. I had fallen into a dark hole and wasn't at all sure how to process the loss of a child that I never got to see or hold.

One day, my mom and I stood together on the deck outside my home, engaged in a heartfelt conversation about my emotional turmoil. Her profound words struck a chord deep within me: 'Everything God blesses us with in this life isn't truly ours, but His. Every gift, no matter how precious, is temporary. Our eternal home, our true haven, is with Him.'

 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
James 1:17 (NIV)

When our children were three and six my husband at that time, told me he needed some time away. He needed time to himself for a while.

My world quickly began to feel like I was falling back into that dark unknown world again. What did he mean time away? Was I the issue? So many questions with no answers as to why.

The "time away" went from weeks to months and turned into him telling me he wasn't coming home, so I should do what I needed to do.

I was shaken to the core. This went against everything I believed in. I made a vow before God that I was no longer able to hold on to. Someone else was making that choice for me. That door that led to peace, love, and joy, was slammed shut and locked. As hard as I tried, I could not find the key to open the door.

I fell back into the world of feeling insignificant and unloved. I couldn't do anything to make him stay. What was I going to tell my children? Divorce was unacceptable. I worried about my family being disappointed in me and surely God was going to be disappointed and angry.

Every time I closed my eyes, I would see colorful lights swirling continuously. I was thrown into a place I didn't want to be. A place I was trying to fight with all my might.

Just as Alice in Wonderland, my tears betrayed me and began spilling over. I was once again treading water, I was tired and yet had to be strong for my children I didn't want them to experience a torn world.

I had to dig deep in my faith to understand what God wanted for me on this journey. I knew he didn't condone divorce and I knew I couldn't control the decision of my husband.

God is so faithful! My husband chose not to make our marriage work, but God put in front of me friends and family who loved and guided my children and me through the journey. They helped me see a God who loves me unconditionally. A God who will always carry me when I am tired and scared. They spoke life into me making me stronger and more confident in myself and the Godly choices I had available to me so I could move forward.

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way 
will fulfill the law of Christ.
Galatians 6:2 (NIV)

This journey took my faith and relationship with God to another deeper level. Trying to understand Godly choices in a worldly circumstance took intentional time with Him. It also forced me to be intentional in seeking out Christian counsel. Individuals who would assist me in moving forward and not get stuck in a place of being a victim of circumstance. 

I wanted to find the key that opened the door to that beautiful world of love, peace, and joy. In time, I did find joy, and love, being content in my new circumstances. I grew not only in my faith in God but also in myself. I found more confidence and strength in myself than I ever thought I had within me.

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore, we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though
its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake
with their surging.

Psalm 46:1-3 (NIV)

Amid the hurt and fear, God was always there loving and carrying me.