Torn between two worlds, that is how I felt a good part of my life.
I would liken it to the story of Alice in Wonderland. I'll give you a quick overview for those of you who aren't familiar with the story.
The story is of a young girl who follows a scurrying rabbit down a rabbit hole. I don't know about you, but I find myself scurrying a lot and it usually takes me down some sort of rabbit trail! Which, at times is not good.
When Alice falls into the hole she finds herself falling into a dark unknown place wondering if she will ever hit solid ground. Once on solid ground, she looks up only to see a long hallway lined with doors.
Behind one door is a beautiful world. A world that she wants to enter, but the only way to enter is to find the key that will unlock the door.
When Alice can't find the correct key, she begins to cry. Her pool of tears becomes a sea of water and she begins treading water so she is able stay afloat.
Alice meets various individuals along her journey. Some individuals give her advice, some tell her what to do, and some even try to deceive her. There are times throughout Alice's journey when she is small and feels insignificant. There are other times when Alice is very tall and she feels bigger than the world she is living in.
Does this story resonate with you? Have you ever felt torn between two worlds, similar to Alice in Wonderland?
I first felt torn between two worlds as a young child, through grade school, middle school, and into high school. I was one of those kids outcasted and just didn't fit in. I was too tall in grade school and towered over everyone my age. Believe me, boys did not like it when a girl was taller than they were! In middle and high school, I chose not to follow the crowd to stay true to my Christian beliefs. It was during those times, that I was tossed aside and like Alice in Wonderland, I felt small and insignificant.
I was tired of treading the water created from years of crying so many tears. Tired of having people with various opinions telling me what to do and who I should be.
My family was my safe place. They loved me unconditionally and taught me to find strength in Christ, not people. Although they were my safe place, there were times when I felt like I was disappointing them as well. My parents wanted me to have friends and be social. The pressure grew as I faced the choice of friendship and a social life; or standing for what I believed in.
Having both did not seem to exist in my world. It wasn't an option. I faced choices to open many different doors, just like Alice, but I couldn't find the key to the door that led to beauty, peace, love, and joy on the other side.
I was nervous about going off to college. I was afraid I would experience more of the same and if I did, I would really be alone. My family would not be there with me. I questioned whether I should choose to unlock the door to college, but I did and am so grateful.
My college years were nothing like my high school. I met people who liked me for who I was. Who God created me to be. My world opened up to a community of people that didn't toss me aside. They lifted me up, didn't judge me, and accepted me. I became more confident and no longer felt so small and insignificant.
Although I was blessed with a family who grounded me in my faith, in college I had the opportunity to begin to discover my own relationship with God at a deeper level. Instead of being embarrassed about my faith, I could openly share and live out my faith. I felt like, for the first time, I found the key that unlocked the door. The door that would lead me to that beautiful world where I belonged and was loved.
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